Hello, It's been a long time. I don't even know where to start.... I have been married 2 years, almost done with school, oh, and the biggest I have a baby on the way due in April. A girl, Nora Grace will be her name and I hope she doesn't have a big head. (literally... lol) When I left you last I had just moved to Tulsa, oh, it was so post to be the best adventure of my life with Jared, now it seems only a distant memory in the book we have already made full. I never thought I would be here, married, not finished with shcool, pregnant, oh, and no job. The last one is the best. (if you know me you can here my cry) I never thought God would lead me down a path of such uncertanity or should I say un.... willingness. I admitt my struggles that I have blogged about in the past have been serious, but none such as this. This time I really hate that I can't fix it and I have to rely on God. I mean I know now how much in the past I thought I was reling on him and now to my suprise I know I wasn't. I don't go one day without being mad, or upset that I am going to have a baby. I know now some will stop reading, a bit to honest for the most of you to handle. I want to cry out and say "WHY" I was doing all the things right, birth control, had a career, had a home, had a great mariage, had a handle on my simple plan and reality. But just when you think you have control and you can see the horizon line.... Something BREAKS, somewhere inside something goes a stray. In one moment I went from being in control, beging the most important, being the heart of my small family, to a disaster! I mean I cried in the floor for hours, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to tell Jared that our lives as we knew them were about to be completely and utterly changed. I have no energy to do this, to be a mom. Honestly I don't want to. I don't care about the first step, the first "word" she says, I don't care about the college fund. I just want to give up. I want to go back 5 months and wake up from this nightmare. I want my life back. Does this make me a bad Christian? Does this mean I wont make it as a mom? Does this blog change the way you look or think about me? In this moment no one can feel the pain and anger I have in my heart. An old friend once told me that he always went to church every sunday even in his worst hours, I asked why? He simple told me that he learned from God even in his hardest times, even with the worst of struggles. I believe him now. I am being carried, there are only one set of footprints right now in my life, there are not my own, and there are not Jared's, they are God's. I love reading Jared's old bible from highschool. He has written so many things in it. I love reading his thoughts about things. I don't write in my bible, I guess you could say I am afraid to. My old friend knows why, but I came across a verse I had never read before, and only then did I realize that I am not alone, God is in control, God is the begining and the end. God is bigger than my quite suffering. God is the reason I am having a baby girl.
Untill next time...... I ask that you pray for the people in my same situation, that don't know God.
